To the Depths of Hell

I have always known that death was not the scariest part of life. But I have never had to face either death, or it's worse options. And within the last week I have had to face both. After my mother's tracheotomy, her heart and lungs improved. But her mental functioning did not. I had to face the fact that my mother may have had oxygen depravation that caused brain damage. And that is what is worse than death. And I found I am not strong enough to deal with that. But things have gotten better. My mother is not as disoriented and confused as she was. She is starting to answer tougher questions correctly. And when the doctor asked her my name, she definately croaked "Natalie". It's still very hard to sit here, and worry and yet smile and look strong, when all you want to do is run away, far far away.