My Mother's Soap Opera Updates

Since my day was so boring (filled with laundry, cleaning and scrubbing) I have decided to post the hilarious emails I got from my mother giving me updates on the soaps we use to watch. You needn't have ever seen these soaps to read the following updates...

Guiding Light
Phillip is not dead. You were right. He lost his mind and Allen (his father) secretely had him locked away. There was a body because Harley (one of Phil's ex-wives)was put on trial and acquitted for his murder. Now Allen is in jail for murdering mad Phil and for some reason has married his ex-daughter in law, Beth,> Phil's on-again-off-again wife. Lizzie, Phil & Beth's daughter, summed it up nicely "My Grandfather who murdered my father is now my stepfather."

As The World Turns
Barbara Ryan's daughter got pissed off about something and in a fit of pique, slept with Craig Montgomery and got pregnant. The following dialogue ensued:
Craig: "It's my baby. I want custody."
B.R.s daughter: "You aren't coming near this baby."
After 4 months of this a full term baby was delivered. Fortunately for Craig, at the same time, a slutty girl ( who was pregnant by Tom & Margot"s son, Casey who refused to acknowledge his misdeed) also gave birth to a 4 month full term baby that died. (Are you with me so far?) Somehow Craig, being the mastermind we all know and love, switched his baby for the dead baby, so that everyone thinks his and B.R.'s daughter's baby is dead. Then out of his inconsolable grief at losing his own child, he adopted slutty girl's child. But hold on! Now Craig has gone (I am not sure whether he is in jail or being held captive by trappist monks) and Carly and Jack have the baby.

Bold and the Beautiful
(Wealthy dyssfunction on the west coast)
So heres the thing: Stephanie, the portly matriarch of the rich California Forrester clan takes a gun and tries to talk Brooke into killing herself. This is just the latest in Stephanie's nefarious, but wholly justified, attempts to remove Brooke from her life. Why? You may well ask. Because Brooke has managed to marry and divorce several times both of Stephanie's sons (Ridge and Thorn) and also Stephanie's husband (Eric). After many years of sex, tears and assorted children, there occurs a lull in the lusting-after-Brooke-phenomenon when from somewhere over the horizon comes an itinerant yachtsman who has left a string of broken hearts in every port but falls in love with the eternally irresistable Brooke. Yes, yes finally, someone outside the Forrester clan is keeping the "California Cleopatra" bedded and happy and Stephie's men are safe. Not so fast, Bucko!! It turns out "Sailor Boy" is Ridge's half brother (who didn't see that coming?) due to a youthful indisgression that Stephanie comitted with a handsome Italian and covered up by marrying Eric and passing Ridge off as his son.. "Handsome Italian" turns to a rich and rewarding life as a crime lord due to Stephanie's rejection of him and fathers son number 2, the aforementioned Sailor Boy, who has apparently inherited that same genetic predispsition to fall in love with Brooke. But I digress!! At this point, Ridge finds it necessary to persuade Brooke to marry him AGAIN in order to keep her out of the clutches of his ne'er do well half brother. Sailor Boy, is thus left broken hearted but being a man of great practicality he tries to heal his wounded heart by turning to the nearest port in a storm which happens to be Brooke's daughter. A very sensible solution and everybody is happy when lo and behold right before Ridge and Brookes 3rd (or 4th) wedding who should show up but Ridge's presumed-dead other wife (played by the lovely Hunter Tylo), who it turns out was not dead but merely slumbering in a coma for the last 5 years in the Arabian desert under the watchful eyes of some filthy rich dude with a foreign accent. Ridge turns back to his newly restored not-dead other wife, who, by the way, gets a haircut. Does this mean that the eternally alluring Brooke is left manless? No, no!! Do not despair! Once again those powerful Brooke pheromones override logic and scruples and poor genetically flawed Sailor Boy has no choice but to leave his comely (and pregnant) young wife and fly to the empty arms of his mother-in-law, who, if you ask me, is starting to look a bit frayed around the edges. To sum up, Brooke has been married to her first love in the form of Ridge, her brother-in-law, Thorn; her father-in-law, Eric, and is now contemplating life with her son-in-law (and Stephanie's grandson-in-law). OK, Stephanie enough is enough, just shoot the bitch.

I think Mum should have her own column.